An Open Letter To People Trying Pilates For The First Time

April 21, 2015


Photo on 4-21-15 at 8.22 AM #2

…So everyone hated the bang idea.

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Now that bangs are in the garbage, we can consider other options…

I happen to love rainbow hair, like my girl Chloe.



Or maybe corn rows? …

WHAT WILL DUBIE DO?!?! Wait and see…I am strategically NOT going to tell, because I love the idea of leaving you on the edge of your seats, breaking into clusters of sweat beads over something so important and life-changing.



Here it goes…

Dear People trying Pilates for the first time, here are some important things to consider before taking your first class (with me, at least).

1). If you need to think about whether or not you’ve done Pilates before, the answer is NO. NO you have not done Pilates before.

2). If you say you’re “advanced,” there’s a 99% chance you are not. In fact, there’s a 99% chance you don’t know your foot from your ass, so spare yourself the embarrassment and stop saying this. I’d rather be wowed by your modesty.

3). Pilates isn’t for pussies. It’s not “for girls.” In fact, most men desperately need Pilates in their life. Not only do most men (initially) have a weak core (abdominal and back muscles), they are also exceptionally tight. Pilates exercises focus, not only on strengthening weak muscles, they also mobilize areas of the body that are notoriously tight. Real fucking men do Pilates. ‘Nuff said.

5). Pilates requires patience and persistence. You are waking up deep muscles you may have never used before. It might take 10 sessions until you start to “GET IT.” In fact, a famous Joseph Pilates quote is this:

“In 10 session you will feel better. In 20 you will look better. In 30 you will have a completely new body.” 

Try it. Be as consistent as possible. I recommend 2-3 times weekly, especially if you are new.

6). If you “don’t feel it,” tell your teacher, because you aren’t doing it correctly. 

7). If you have a question during a group class, that’s awesome, just save it for AFTER class. Interrupting the class is annoying (unless you feel pain). The whole point of Pilates is to stay moving. So, kindly, shut the fuck up until after class.

8). Privates are recommended, especially to learn the fundamentals and familiarize yourself with the apparatus. Group classes tend to move faster, and you are expected to be self-sufficient as far as setting up the apparatus goes. When you don’t know what the shit you’re doing, you will drown. It will be just as frustrating for you, as it is for the teacher.

9). ALWAYS start with BASIC/BEGINNER level classes. I don’t care if you are a professional athlete, Pilates is a new movement for you. Don’t be a dummy and let your ego get in the way. You need to learn and master the fundamentals before you advance. It is a progressive method, in that you are constantly building upon the basic exercises. If you do not understand the basic, nothing beyond that will make much sense to you.

10). On that note…if you don’t like to be corrected, get out. I don’t have tolerance for this, because it begs the question…THEN WHY BE TAUGHT? There is a reason one person is the teacher and one is not. We are here to HELP you get the most out of the exercises so that you can continue to improve, get stronger, and thus progress. We are here to make you BETTER. Take being corrected as a compliment – the teacher cares enough about you, that they are taking the time to give you specific feedback.

11). If you like to do weird things that the teacher doesn’t tell you to do, do not come to class. Stay home. Do weird things on your own time, not on my watch. Unless you are modifying for a REASON (and the teacher is aware of this reason), do what you’re told. Much of Pilates is about being able to listen and apply what you’re told to your movement. 

12). Don’t wear loose shorts. We don’t need to see your balls or vagina, thanks...(and if you do…at the very least make sure you’re well-groomed for Chrissakes).

13). Socks are lame. Even the ones with the grips – a). you can still slip b). they look dumb. DELETE.

14). Come on time, please. Especially for group classes, and especially if you have never taken class before! You will miss basic setups and important warm ups, that I will NOT repeat. You snooze, you lose, baby.

15). If you have an injury or body issue, tell the teacher BEFORE class. Some conditions may be contraindicated to the exercises being taught in class.


That’s all for now…Now go try it already…





April 17, 2015

All My Mutha Fuckaaaaaaaassssss…

It’s Fri-Yay.



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I literally have a thousand announcements today.

(more like four)


ONE: There is a muthafuckin’ mouse in tha muthafuckin’ house. For real. We have a MOUSE. I weirdly love the idea. Little mousey-mouse. For the record, HB spotted it early this morning while I was at the gym getting swole. I have yet to see it for myself. My boy Antonio (exterminator) swept the apartment and set some traps up. Antonio was a fountain of information.


Mice have a very strong sense of smell. I was told that if I were to bake a chocolate cake, the smell of the flour alone, would ring sirens in their mouse brains, sirens that scream CAKE IS COMING!!! They want that CAKE. They will risk death for cake.

They love chocolate and peanut butter. (Weird. We don’t have any in the apartment).

I never knew I had so much in common with a mouse. (reference above).

They want nothing to do with Eucalyptus or Mint. Don’t want a mouse? Invest in a eucalyptus candle. Boom. Gone.

TWO: I am strongly considering bangs. I want to know what YOU think. I am officially unofficially taking a poll – write YAY or NAY in the comments below (or on the Facebook post). Participate or die. It wouldn’t be anything that maj. Just a light feather dusting…like Uma in Kill Bill.


THREE: I was accused of being a fraudulent gangster this morning, because I was unfamiliar with Rakim’s work. <insert emoji with straight line for a mouth>. My bad. My rise to gangsterhood did not begin until the mid-90’s, around the ballpark age of 12. But now I know. What. What. Just more thuggish goodness to add to my playlist, Baes…

FOUR: After 2 short months of life, the bedazzled phone case no one everyone loved, is now in the garbage.

As you can see, jewels were falling off left and right. You know I can’t have that noise.


Know that it has been replaced with this, much sleeker, more aerodynamic piece of gold.

You can all sleep at night, now.

Bonus: It does not snag my underwear or cut me when I shove it in my pants during workouts. Win.

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I realize that I’ve just wasted spent your time talking about nothing, but it’s Friday. Now is not the time for bombs of knowledge. Your priority should be to think about nothing, get laid and smoke a fatty. Duh.

Peace Babies. I love you. Muah.