December 1, 2016


It’s been exactly 35 days since we last spoke. I think I can speak for all of you when I say that your lives have been so much more dull because of it. And I’m sorry, <pause> but I’m not sorry…

A LOT has changed over here. <cue: cryptic undertone> —I’m leaving space here to make you wait longer and up the ante—

I feel like I’ve been waiting an ETERNITY to tell you that…

MY UTERUS IS OCCUPIED with a (now) handsome, peach-sized, jumping bean of a BABY BOY!  

(For the record, I think he will have blue eyes, so my emoji baby is somewhat accurate).


I’m going to be a Mama in May, and I look forward to sharing the ride with your eyeballs. And I won’t just talk about vaginas and the stretch marks (that I WILL NOT GET). I swear. It will be for all my ladies and, that’s right, you too, boys!

Get excited. Get, get excited. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am! Now that I’m not throwing up my insides day and night..woof.

That was another caveat to my not posting. I was a totally useless human being for three weeks. I spent my days bedridden, watching The Hills, and by the toilet. The highlight of my days included me mustering up the energy to shower and change pajamas.

NEWS FLASH: “Morning Sickness” is very misleading…the shit can last ALL day and night for weeks on end. I don’t mean to brag, but mine got so terrible, that it landed me in the hospital for a night. I know, very Kate Middleton. I am so royal.

It was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced , and I think even after I labor, I will take that excruciating pain over the seemingly endless nausea and vomiting I went through. Worth it, OBVIOUSLY! But, let’s just say, we’re stopping at two kids, max.

…The #MamaDubie adventures have commenced!

*Bonus: Along with my growing bump, my boobs have gotten “huge” (by my standards). It’s a beautiful thing, and HB would agree.



In other news. It’s December 1st. Fuck yeah!


I’ve had my tree up for 2.5 weeks now, so it’s old news to me. Pumpkins made me nauseous, and Christmas made me feel better, so I broke rules like the thug that I am, and decorated early.


I’ve already watched Christmas Vacation, Home Alone 1 and 2, Scrooged, Love Actually and Christmas With The Kranks, which I didn’t finish, because it was close to being one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched, and I have a newfound obsession with Solitaire. Solitaire was much more stimulating…naturally…


Well friends, I’ll leave it at that for today. I don’t want to blow your tops off with too much good news.

We were on a break, but now we’re back together, and tighter than ever. We’ll be talking again soon. Very soon…this pregnancy stuff leaves me with a LOT of writing material.





Happy Ho Ho Halloween!

October 27, 2016

Well well well…

What the fudge is up Mis Hombres y Muchachas?

Now, I don’t want the above to get you thinking that I’ve censored my tongue since we last spoke. I know it’s been a month (wtf?!?), but c’mon now, I’m still the same :::Bad Muthafucka:::


Case. In. Point.


In case you forgot what I look like, here’s a complimentary selfie:


Not my best, but at least I’m wearing Carmex. Next time I’ll make sure I have some mascara on.


Who’s pumped for Halloween? I am! I am! This year’s costume was inspired by American Horror Story, Season 3 (Coven)…

YOU WAIT FOR THE PICTURES…YOU WAIT. They’ll be worth it. Duh. psst: party is tomorrow.



Now, Halloween is fun and all, but if I’m going to be honest, it’s taken every ounce of self control to NOT start decorating for Christmas.


I know. I’m a crazy, fucking lunatic.

You think I’m bluffing? Ask HB…he knows that I can maybe hold out another two weeks, max. MAYBE. He knows he could walk into a Winter Wonderland any day now. Hehehehehe…

And since I’m not keeping any secrets, you should know that I’m currently listening to Christmas Piano music on Spotify…and by currently I mean, RIGHT NOW Oh, Holy Night is playing…



I also might light my Thymes Frasier Fir candle, because THAT, my friends, is the bees knees. You all need one in your life. TRUST. (emphasis on the last “t”).


A few updates before I peace:

1). My studio schedule has changed this Fall/Winter. Check it HERE.

2). Remember when I was so excited about my $400 succulent bowl purchase? No? Click here for the full story. In short, I thought they were the perfect indoor plants because they need little water, but four weeks and five dead succulents later, I learned the hard way. I wasn’t schooled on the fact that they literally cannot survive indoors unless they get HOURS, as in plural, Of DIRECT SUNLIGHT a day. Unfortunately, casa de Constantiner does not offer such circumstances. It’s inevitable that they will all die, it’s just a matter of time, and I have accepted the undeniable outcome. Sadness…

The takeaway? Despite my ill-advice a few weeks ago, it’s in your best interest to NOT buy succulents, if they will only be indoors.

You win some, you lose some.


We’ll finish as usual, with some introspection.