PEACH-SIZED NEWS!!!

December 1, 2016

DAILY DUBIES OF MY LIFE! 

It’s been exactly 35 days since we last spoke. I think I can speak for all of you when I say that your lives have been so much more dull because of it. And I’m sorry, <pause> but I’m not sorry…

A LOT has changed over here. <cue: cryptic undertone> —I’m leaving space here to make you wait longer and up the ante—

I feel like I’ve been waiting an ETERNITY to tell you that…

MY UTERUS IS OCCUPIED with a (now) handsome, peach-sized, jumping bean of a BABY BOY!  

(For the record, I think he will have blue eyes, so my emoji baby is somewhat accurate).


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I’m going to be a Mama in May, and I look forward to sharing the ride with your eyeballs. And I won’t just talk about vaginas and the stretch marks (that I WILL NOT GET). I swear. It will be for all my ladies and, that’s right, you too, boys!

Get excited. Get, get excited. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am! Now that I’m not throwing up my insides day and night..woof.

That was another caveat to my not posting. I was a totally useless human being for three weeks. I spent my days bedridden, watching The Hills, and by the toilet. The highlight of my days included me mustering up the energy to shower and change pajamas.

NEWS FLASH: “Morning Sickness” is very misleading…the shit can last ALL day and night for weeks on end. I don’t mean to brag, but mine got so terrible, that it landed me in the hospital for a night. I know, very Kate Middleton. I am so royal.

It was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced , and I think even after I labor, I will take that excruciating pain over the seemingly endless nausea and vomiting I went through. Worth it, OBVIOUSLY! But, let’s just say, we’re stopping at two kids, max.

…The #MamaDubie adventures have commenced!

*Bonus: Along with my growing bump, my boobs have gotten “huge” (by my standards). It’s a beautiful thing, and HB would agree.

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In other news. It’s December 1st. Fuck yeah!

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I’ve had my tree up for 2.5 weeks now, so it’s old news to me. Pumpkins made me nauseous, and Christmas made me feel better, so I broke rules like the thug that I am, and decorated early.

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I’ve already watched Christmas Vacation, Home Alone 1 and 2, Scrooged, Love Actually and Christmas With The Kranks, which I didn’t finish, because it was close to being one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched, and I have a newfound obsession with Solitaire. Solitaire was much more stimulating…naturally…

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Well friends, I’ll leave it at that for today. I don’t want to blow your tops off with too much good news.

We were on a break, but now we’re back together, and tighter than ever. We’ll be talking again soon. Very soon…this pregnancy stuff leaves me with a LOT of writing material.

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HAH!

peace-hands,

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Happy Ho Ho Halloween!

October 27, 2016

Well well well…

What the fudge is up Mis Hombres y Muchachas?

Now, I don’t want the above to get you thinking that I’ve censored my tongue since we last spoke. I know it’s been a month (wtf?!?), but c’mon now, I’m still the same :::Bad Muthafucka:::

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Case. In. Point.

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In case you forgot what I look like, here’s a complimentary selfie:

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Not my best, but at least I’m wearing Carmex. Next time I’ll make sure I have some mascara on.

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Who’s pumped for Halloween? I am! I am! This year’s costume was inspired by American Horror Story, Season 3 (Coven)…

YOU WAIT FOR THE PICTURES…YOU WAIT. They’ll be worth it. Duh. psst: party is tomorrow.

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Now, Halloween is fun and all, but if I’m going to be honest, it’s taken every ounce of self control to NOT start decorating for Christmas.

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I know. I’m a crazy, fucking lunatic.

You think I’m bluffing? Ask HB…he knows that I can maybe hold out another two weeks, max. MAYBE. He knows he could walk into a Winter Wonderland any day now. Hehehehehe…

And since I’m not keeping any secrets, you should know that I’m currently listening to Christmas Piano music on Spotify…and by currently I mean, RIGHT NOW Oh, Holy Night is playing…

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I also might light my Thymes Frasier Fir candle, because THAT, my friends, is the bees knees. You all need one in your life. TRUST. (emphasis on the last “t”).

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A few updates before I peace:

1). My studio schedule has changed this Fall/Winter. Check it HERE.

2). Remember when I was so excited about my $400 succulent bowl purchase? No? Click here for the full story. In short, I thought they were the perfect indoor plants because they need little water, but four weeks and five dead succulents later, I learned the hard way. I wasn’t schooled on the fact that they literally cannot survive indoors unless they get HOURS, as in plural, Of DIRECT SUNLIGHT a day. Unfortunately, casa de Constantiner does not offer such circumstances. It’s inevitable that they will all die, it’s just a matter of time, and I have accepted the undeniable outcome. Sadness…

The takeaway? Despite my ill-advice a few weeks ago, it’s in your best interest to NOT buy succulents, if they will only be indoors.

You win some, you lose some.

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We’ll finish as usual, with some introspection.

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peace-hands,

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