This blog is happening LIVE, 30,000 feet in the mother fuckin’ a-yer. So wave your hands like you just don’t cay-er.
It must be said, that I am wary of all the Delta flight #1816 airplane eyeballs looking this way. I can’t deal with peepers. Fucks up my writing process.
:::Moment of silence::::
There. I think I’ve moved past my paranoia, so let’s start with this…
It’s raining snow in New York City, which naturally made for fun times at LaGuardia international airport. Here’s a timeline:
11:10am: Leave apartment. It’s raining snowballs so hard. We check our flight 97 times and it still says ON TIME.
12:08pm: Arrive at airport
12:10pm: HB gets a notification from airline that our flight is now delayed. He has a multi-second meltdown (more so because when he attempted to change our flights last night from 3:20pm to 11:21am, I whined that it wouldn’t make much of a difference and that I wanted to have more time in the morning to get ready. Know that this was all said on a empty stomach. After consuming a morsel of food, I realized that I was being dumb and texted him to change our flight to earlier. The 11am flight had no more seats left, but we did get on the 1:21 flight, which was better, but HB still holds a grudge against me and now any delays/cancellations to be had would fall on my shoudlers).
12:12pm: We get our boarding passes and find out our flight is only delayed 25 minutes. Fewf.
12:15pm: We get through security. TSA pre-check! What! What!
12:25pm: I buy a gigantic bottle of Figi water for $4, and some peanut M&Ms, ‘cuz that’s how I do.
1:05pm: Eat lunch at “Voyer,” one of the shi shi new restaurants in the terminal that refused to add chicken to any salad but the Caesar. Mofos.
1:30pm: Board. We’re priority bitches. Plenty of overhead space.
1:45pm-2:45pm: Are told that the plane must be de-iced. Being that it’s been snowball raining for 2 hours straight, a line has now accumulated and we are at the back of it. They make numerous attempts to get us off the plane with an announcement that sounded like “we are leaving the doors open. If you want to change your travel plans feel free to exit, and we’ll help you reschedule.” This must have happened 5 times. No one bit.
2:55pm: WE ARE DE-ICED! It’s a terrifying process.
3:10pm: WE TAKE OFF! <insert applause>.
3:30pm: HB takes the edge off with a classy bottle of wine.
5:50pm: …And HERE. WE. ARE. With 19 more minutes to go on this flight, ’tis time to call a wrap on it, but not before I do something really lame, like tell you what I’m thankful for.
TEN THINGS I’M THANKFUL FOR RIGHT NOW
Let me just preface by saying that “thankful,” is almost as bad as “blessed.” K. Hit it:
1). We only have 16 more minutes left on this flight.
2). For the mind-blowing sunset burning in the horizon outside my window.
3). That I now know the difference between a turkey and a rooster.
4). That I have internet connection, albeit slow as fuck.
5). For the high quality hipster coffee HB made me this morning.
6). For the banana chocolate chip cookies I made last night. I’ve had two. They’re technically very healthy, which means they have zero calories in them.
7). For the next four days of rest and relaxation beachside, in a skimpy bikin with my HBizzle.
8). For my special friends. I love you con todo mi corazon…that means “with all my heart,” in Spanish.
9). For my incredible, beautiful family, fam. You are the best evah.
10). For YOU. All my bitches and sons of bitches. Olive juice, too.
We’re done here.