I Am Iron Maiden

February 19, 2015

Bros. Hoes.


Photo on 2-19-15 at 11.36 AM #2Who likes my new hat? …That’s a lie, it’s actually not new. I impulsively bought it three summers ago in Portofino. I envisioned myself a chic Italiano at the time of purchase, but the truth of the matter is…it’s been collecting dust until Hip Hop (beanie) died in the wash Monday.

IMG_8733Cause of fatality was HOT WATER. ALL elasticity was lost. I was left with a limp beanie = DELETE.

…But, I can still thug it out in this baby.

Photo on 2-19-15 at 11.36 AM #3YES. This works. HOLLLAAAAAAAA.


Not to make a big deal about it or anything, but just thought I’d mention in passing that…



I’ve never liked attention on my birthday. Reference Exhibits (a-c)

a). 22, Cabo San Lucas. Drunk as a skunk and wearing a tiara.

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b). 23, Mom and Dad’s for a Mexican fiesta. My hair is a very special situation. I cut bangs and 100% spray tanned for this.


c). 26, In L.A. at HB’s bachelor pad. Had to bend my elbow so my arm looked skinny. A very big 26-year-old problem.

download (2)

…At 32, I will be wearing a very expensive, slutty bikini in some hot as balls weather, getting drunk, (possibly) smoking some ganj, and eating carbs. Woot. Woot. That’s how you win it, people. That. Is how. You. WIN. IT.


K. We’re over my birthday. Let’s move on…

If you’re reading this and I know you and you’re not a psycho stalker, come support and subtly VERY LOUDLY cheer me on in my weight lifting competition.

It’s all on the flyer, B’s.


P.S.: I am in the pixie weight class, so you have to wake your ass up EARLY to come see the magic!

P.S.S.: The minis are ALL BALLERS. We pack a lot of heat. Don’t be fooled by size.


That’s all I got today.






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