Hi Bitches. I’m emo.
My dot just dropped like an album gone triple platinum. (You’re welcome for that important bit of information).
Needless to say, I was feeling loser-ish, until I feasted my eyeballs on THIS gold.
THIS, friends, is solid, muthufuckin’, 24 carat GOOOOLLLLLDDDDDD!
Get ready to pop the biggest boner of your life.
<ENTER: MAGIC MIKE XXL>
Holy fucking raining shitballs. That was so slutty. I love it. You’re a big, fat liar if you don’t, too.
We’re all going to see it together on July 1st, 2015. Save the date, cabrones.
Get a blow out, gloss your lips up real good, and find your sickest pair of hooker heels to smash your sweaty, swollen feet into (remember, it’s going to be HOT!). You will have 27 blisters within the first 5 minutes of wear and tear, but, giiiirrrrrrrllllll, before taking those suckers off, remember this: You will look like Beyonce, so who the fuck cares.
Now, <3 second pause> I have some stuff to show you.
Exhibit A). Sock game right now. ON. POINT. (emphasis on the t).
Exhibit B). My new bougie phone case is a total catastrophe. Literally, ugliest shit ever, but I’m into it. I’ll ride this baby until a jewel falls off = I’ll probably have a new case in one week.
My real plan for this post was to basically talk about how I find people who won’t throw down a burger so fucking annoying.
Before you get your nose out of joint, and accuse me of being ignorant, uninformed and/or judgmental, guess what? I’m not! (K. I might be judgmental, but so are YOU! Another post will be coming about that one…).
I am a certified holistic health coach, which basically translates to…I know what the fuck is healthy and what isn’t. I know what works and what doesn’t. I have studied hundreds of dietary theories, and have worked with several people, helping them find a way of eating that is sustainable, and healthy for them. I believe that what’s great for one person, might be a nightmare for another, so it’s all very subjective. I believe that most of your food should come from whole foods, that aren’t injected with nitrates, antibiotics, or sprayed with pesticides. I believe you should enjoy the food you eat and feel satisfied after.
Now, let’s get to the point:
There are, generally, two kinds of people who avoid burgers:
1). People who don’t eat meat. Fine, only if you have some legit reasons that you actually comprehend. Then, and only then, do you get a free pass in this instance.
2). People who think they’re healthy, but they’re not. You know, the dummies who inhale iceberg lettuce salads the size of a mixing bowl; who eat Tofurky; who refuse to pour a single tablespoon of cream in their coffee, but then eagerly dump in an LB of Splenda. You know. Those people.
It’s the latter of the two who I have beef with. They identify with contradicting ways of eating, and love the idea of never submitting to the power of the evil burger (even though inside, their creaming for one). These types don’t eat for their body, they eat for their dummy mind, that doesn’t really know what’s what. They set these idiotic parameters for themselves, because they think they are being “healthy”. Well I’ve got news! Guess what?…your stupid salad has 500 more calories than my burger! Fuck you!
Yes, I am pro-burger, but that doesn’t mean I eat a million a week. Even I have parameters, but they’re smart ones. Check it:
Dubie’s Burger-Eating Parameters
Thou shall seek out the highest quality of ingredients, especially when it comes to the meat. Choose grass-fed, as local as possible, beef (or turkey).
Thou shall try to make their own burgers. Whenever we cook at home, it’s always a healthier, more satisfying experience. (unless you suck dick in the kitchen).
Thou shall limit themselves to one burger every two weeks (unless your vagina is bleeding). In that case, eat when want. A burger should still be treated as such, a treat. It won’t taste as good if you have it every day. Fact.
Thou shall avoid untrustworthy fast-food joints (i.e.: McDonalds, Burger King, Carl’s Jr.). IN-N-OUT, and Shake Shack are acceptable, and SUH. GOOD.
Thou shall enjoy the fuck out of one’s burger, eat slowly, savor every bite, and more importantly, make every lame anti-burger loser weep while they witness you smile with delight when juice drips down your face and lands on your french fry.
We’re done. Peace, Baes. Eat a burger. Send me a selfie.