Wuddup My Muthafuckas?!? ...
It's been WAY. TOO. LONG. since...
#1. I've Daily Dubie'd. Duh. #Dubewasonvacay
#2. I let some fucks and shits loose.
So, if you would, just give me a moment...
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fucker fucking shit damn bitch boobs ass ho boobs.
Isn't boobs a fabulous word? I like boobs.
Ahhhhh...Okay, now NOW I can begin. ...But where the fuck to begin is the question!
So much has happened since we last spoke. For you losers who failed to follow my shit on INSTA, you missed a good show. More often than not, it involved me, in my bikini, on the beach, with alcohol, doing some Pilates...And, obviously, HB made some cameos (pun intended) <wink wink>.
Of course, we had THE BEST TRIP EVER! If you can stand it, check out these photos documenting some of the shenanigans that went down.
I also read three books...
1). What Remains, by Carole Radziwill. Beautifully written. I'd like to think she wrote this book and not a "ghost-writer," as alleged by that nutjob Aviva. <Sigh>
2). The Corsican Caper, by Peter Mayle. I thought this would be a juicy, mindless beach read, but it was sorta a snooze if I'm going to be honest - very predictable. Thank god it was a nugget (less than 200 pgs).
3). Insatiable Porn --- A Love Story, by Asa Akira. This is TOTAL EARMUFFS material, but fascinating. I love reading about people and their lives, and the fact that this young and hugely successful porn star loves every waking moment about what she does proved all the more enticing. It's SCANDAL to the fourth power, but if you're naughty, you'll like it. <wink wink>.
...Then I became a world-renowned artist...
...and it just so happened that after spending four days in St. Barth's, I am now totally fluent in French. TOTALLY.
No big deal. I'm brushing dirt off my shoulders, yo.
Suffice to say, coming home was so painful in so many ways...
For starters, I feel ENORMOUS.
I AM A SAUS-IGE.
No really. I am. I should only consume kale with lemon for the next 10 days, but we all know that won't happen. Only idiots do stupid shit like that. I am no idiot.
I did, however, hook us up with a PILE OF HEALTH first thing Sunday morning. Check it.
BOOM. That's how I do.
...Although, I should let it be known that despite feeling muy largo, I still feel like a sexy bitch.
What. The. Fuck.
Who cringed? I did! I did! But it's the truth, sons. Take it or leave it.
...I mean, I would rather chew rocks than slip into a bikini that rides up my gigantic ass and take 9,000 selfies, but that vacation was WORTH IT ALL...and you know I'm going to fuck some shit up now that I'm back in the game. Obvs.
So, yeah, I came home with a few more pounds, but I also came home to a few amazing pieces of mail...
Christmas came early for the Constantiners, and it only seems appropriate to share some of the contents...
Some fabulous new pillows...
I mean...if that isn't the lamest, cutest thing ever..............................and then we have this special...
Yeah, baby. Good things WILL happen. ALWAYS.
And finally..I'll seal the deal with this FUCK storm.
So inappropriately appropriate. I LOVE IT. I LOVE YOU.
I'll be back this week with some more naughty fun. Stay tuned.
Psst. Almost forgot to drop a bomb of knowledge. Here it is. Let it BLOW YOUR MIND.